MindLord-Rough sketch

This a rejected,Unfinished, “Rough Sketch” overview of a story I’m writing Inspired by the Evil Chef character from Armando Valenzuelas http://www.atomiclaundromat.com/.

It was rejected early on because I deemed that it was “Too emo and  reads like it was written by a 13 year old girl”.

I am working on a different storyline now that I think is going better but I thought someone might find this interesting.Or at least get a laugh out of how bad it is.

 

***

MindLord

On the planet of Aeropa there is a society much like that on earth except everyone wears a hat to show what job they perform.The planet itself and the people who live on it are not so much like earth.

The entire surface of the planet is covered in molten metal,the only inhabitable land is on islands kept afloat by the heat rising from the planet.The metal is one of the most durable known to the universe.And because of this durability they are unable to harvest the wonderful natural resource, for the metal can withstand such high temperature that the heat required to keep it liquid will destroy anything that tries to capture or manipulate it.

The people on this planet have pale green skin and ears that are pointed at the top.They have round,bald heads and long thin necks.Of course each one is different,each one unique and indivdual.Some are fat,some are thin.Some are tall and some short.But this is a story about one Aeropian named Steven that was different in his own unique way.

***

When Steven was born his parents found out that he had a genetic defect.The doctors told them that their son had Cranial Gigantism,his head would grow to be at least three times larger than normal.They said other than appearance he would likely be perfectly normal.

When Steven was two years old and hadn’t started talking yet,His parents thought something might be wrong.Their older daughter Lucy had started talking when she was about one.The doctors told them that despite his malformation there was no physical reason he could not talk.The truth was that he never felt the need to talk.

***

Even at his young age he could see how people looked at him.How they pointed,stared and whispered.He could see for himself how different he was from the other children.They were still trying to stack blocks while he was solving his sisters math homework in his head.He knew then that they would never accept him,Never understand him,so he never bothered to talk to them.

He kept his intelligence a secret,he thought that he stood out enough already and that it was best not to add to it.

One day he came home from school with a blue eye.His mother asked him “Steven!What happened to you?” He stood in silence “Oh honey…if you would just speak and tell us who is doing this we could stop them from hurting you.”

He didn’t believe her,he thought “If you stop them there will just be someone else to torment me.The only way to make them stop is to stop them All.And someday I will stop them all,I will make them suffer for the things they have done to me.I will stop them all and I Will BURN This World If I Have To.”

He lived his life in silence taking the abuse of his peers,all the names they called him,all the times they shoved and hit him,being mocked because his Student hats never fit and could only sit on top his giant head.He filed each one away,saving his anger for the day when he knew he could extract his full revenge.

He became more jaded with his world as the years went on,he came to see his families affection for him as nothing but pity,to see that all the Peoples animosity toward him was brought on by fear.He thought they acted like animals towards him, frightened at anything different or new.So he saw them as nothing more than animals.

***

One day something strange happend.He felt someone talking about him,but it was different this time.He didn’t just know they were talking about him,he didn’t just hear them.He felt them inside his head.It was then that he knew for certain he was special,that he would someday have his revenge.

As he practiced his powers it got easier to read Peoples minds,once while he was practicing by listing to a particularly inane conversation he tought “Just shut up” and the woman whose mind he was reading stop talking.It opened his mind to other abilities he might develop,he started pushing his powers more to find out what else he could do.

He learned that not only could he read minds but he could also “push” thoughts into other Peoples head,he could make them do,say and even think whatever he wanted.He found that if he concentrated he could manipulate gravity itself,he could levitate objects or even himself..If he focused hard enough he could heat things up and a make them catch fire.

He discovered that by accident,he was at home when he started the fire but his mother saw the fire before he could put it out.He made her forget what she had seen but he had sensed her fear when she saw it,he knew that his parents were afraid of him just like every one else.That was when their fate was sealed along with the rest of the people.

***

It was difficult to use his powers at first but got easier as time went on and as his power grew so did his ambition.He know that stopping this world wouldn’t be enough to stop his pain.There were more people on other worlds just waiting to hurt him.

The solar system,the galaxy,the very universe itself would all need to be conquered.

***

Tipping point, Steven rises to power,sister dies.

Steaven uses powers to make robot army from planets rare metal and turn planet into warship,conquers other worlds.

***

Kelen ran into the room,he slid to a stop on the slick polished floor. “My Lord” he said,forgoing his normal submissive kneeling position “The citizens have rebelled!Explosions are going off all over the ship.They have already destroyed the engines and blown a hole in robot bay three ,And earth intruders are entering though the breach!I believe they are headed towards the amplifier Sir.”

“Impossible!” The MindLord pushed his words into Kelens head “I would have sensed any…Unless!” He focused his powers on the robot storage bay.Someone had entered the ship but he could barely sense them even when he focused on them,all he could sense was a vague feeling of a woman.

“Its true what they said about earth.It really must be a magnet for super powered people after all they had not even gotten into orbit around the planet and they had already been attacked,This will be just the challenge I’ve been searching for.” He thought.

“Kelen,take the robots and go stop the rebels from destroying the amplifier,If you see the intruders do not engage them.They are the super-heros from earth we heard of,and they are coming for me.”

“Yes my lord,I will go at once”He bowed his head and run out the door.”

The MindLord could barely sense the super-heros but he could tell where they were,they were headed for him.He locked and opened door after door to lead them right to himself.

As they approached his chambers he began to close the doors to make them work a bit but they destroyed the doors as fast as he could close them.

When the last door closed he stood and waited for it to be broken open.The seconds that it took the door was open seemed to stretch into hours.

There was a loud BANG as the door flew into the room as if in slow motion.In the empty hole was a man standing with his fist out where the door used to be.Time seemed to speed up in instant,The MindLord stretched out his hand. Grabbing the man telekinetically he picked him up and slammed him into the wall.He was close enough now that he could start to push though the mental block.

“Where is the girl?” He forced the question into the mans mind. “You can not fight it!”he pushed the question harder,The man screamed in pain, Then the MindLord got a sense of the someone coming behind him. “Clever girl”  He thought as he turned and grabbed her, pinning her to the wall like the man.

“Well well well..Invisible are you?You earth people are more sneaky then I thought.” The MindLord thought at her.But as the invisible person faded back to visibility he saw”Your not a women!WHERE IS SHE!!!”The men screamed as he tried to rip the answer from their minds.

Then he heard foot steps coming down the hallway.

“STOP.”she told him”I’m right here.”

What stepped through the door sent a chill went down The MindLords spine and into his very core.

The shock of what he saw was so great that he was forced to utter the first word he ever had spoken.

“Lucy” The MindLord whispered under his breath.His hands were shaking.

“Let them go Steven.” Lucy said

Steven,The MindLord stood in shock for a moment ,then he felt a strange sensation as Lucys words appeared inside his mind. “Let them go Steven.”

He lifted her up with his mind and held her in the air in front of him, “And why would I do that?Sister…” he said conversing with her telepathically “Because…” she sent back “Once your amplifier is broken you won’t be able to hold all three of us.”

“You really think that rabble can get through Kelen and my robots?”

“I don’t think Kelen is putting up much of a fight against his own rebellion.”

“No that’s impossible I would have known the minute he had one bad thought against me.”

“You didn’t know the same way you never knew I was still alive.I have been hiding it from you for years.”

The MindLord felt some of his power leave him,the amplifier had been damaged.His captives dropped to the floor.The men tried to stand but he was still able to hold them down.

Lucy stood up “You never even noticed did you?” she thought at him “You were always such a selfish self-centered child,you were so full of hate and self-pity that you never noticed anyone else but your self.You prejudged everyone and treated us all the same.You never noticed that I was different, that you could never read my mind.But I could always sense you.All your anger,your hate, it dripped from you every moment of your life.I pained for you bother..”

“That’s A Lie!You all hated me!I Could read their minds I know what they all thought of me.”

“You may have read their minds but you could never see into their hearts like I could,We wanted help you,to love and care for you but you never let us.”

“No it’s not true..it can’t be.”

“If you won’t believe me Steven, I’ll just have to show you” And she pushed the emotions,all the love and compassion of their parents into his heart.He looked like he had been hit by a brick wall.

“and this is how you repaid us!” with anger welling up inside her and tears dripping down her face she unleashed into his heart all the pain of the people he had hurt,all the torment of a thousand worlds,all the suffering that he had caused.

It crushed him.He dropped to his knees and wept.It was all true,he had caused so much pain,hurt so many people,all because of his own arrognce.He could not escape the truth,his whole life was spent causing pain.

But then he felt something else something was wrong,he could feel power surging into him.The amplifier was malfunctioning it was feeding back all the extra power into him.

He could feel the energy building up inside him,he knew he could not contain it,that it would be released violently.He knew his end was near and this was his last chance to atone for all the evil he had done. “I..Can’t..Ung” He waved his hand and pushed them back into the hallway and sealed the door back over.He riped open a whole in the wall and jumped out into space..

“Knock the door down!” Lucy screamed at the strong man.

He looked at her with glazed eyes “I am sorry..sister.”

She saw a flash of light outside the ship as it shook.She wept as she realized what happened.

something about EC landing on earth and eating a hamburger and it change his life for goodness.

__________________________________________________________

Well?How was it?

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Published in: on November 12, 2010 at 4:28 PM  Comments (11)  
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  1. Hey OhHai, I’ve been thinking lately… You said it’s incredibly difficult to write for a silent character, and thinking about all the literature I’ve ever read, I can’t recall ever having seen even one single truly silent character who contributed meaningfully to the story, let alone actually being the protagonist. That doesn’t mean it’s impossible though. Maybe you’re just going about it all wrong…

    The problem in this case is that in writing for Evil Chef, you are essentially forced to create your own material for him, since he has never once uttered any of his own. So no matter what you do, it will always end up feeling at least somewhat unnatural for about 99% of readers. Why is that? It’s simple: since silent characters don’t speak, each individual reader will inevitably impress their own thoughts and feelings upon the character. It’s something like a Rorschach test… In the absence of true, meaningful stimulus, everyone interprets the inkblots differently. My Evil Chef is most likely a very different character from your Evil Chef, or Armando’s, or anyone else’s. So how to address this issue..?

    Have a look at this:
    http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=2476
    Dunno if you follow Sinfest, but in case you don’t, that strip basically illustrates a typical day in the life of Buddha, a regular character in that comic. As you might have guessed, he is largely a silent character, very rarely speaking. This strip relies largely on visual cues, rather than dialogue to move the story along, and tell what is (to me at least) a profound and moving story. Thinking about other such silent characters, I see that same trend. Be it in movies, TV, comics, video games or what have you, their story is driven largely by visual cues, with much left open to interpretation.

    And this is what I believe is the crux of the matter. Perhaps what is called for is not so much fanfic as it is doujin. If you were to create a comic or manga similar in concept to the Sinfest one I linked to, it might actually work out very well.

    Of course, this would require a fair bit of drawing ability… How’ that drawing arm coming along lol? I’ve actually been working hard on that… I’ve been using those Mark Crilley tutorials you told me about (thanks) along with any other material I can get my hands on. But uh… let’s just say I’ve still got a long way to go before I’m not too embarrassed to show off my work in public lol.

    Anyway, I just figured I’d share my thoughts with you. And I certainly don’t mean to discourage you from writing, if that’s what you’ve got your heart set on. If you really feel like that’s the way to go, and you’re confident that you can prove me wrong and write a story that will absolutely blow my mind, then hey, awesome. More power to ya. 🙂

    • I am afraid that the story I want to tell would probably not work to well as a comic/manga.Not that it would make much of a difference since I still can’t draw.I just need to make myself sit down and type out whats in my head(Someone once said that the most important thing a writer needs is Cobblers Wax to stick you in your chair).
      I have it about sixty to seventy five percent worked out in my head but only a few paragraphs are actually written out.
      Plus I have another short EC inspired story I thought of,a story about the birth of a super villain I thought of while coming up with Evil Chef ideas and my real problem at the immediate moment is that I was struck with an idea for a story about a Rōnin and some wolves.

      You see I had been thinking about a story with a wolfman in a sort of medieval Europe fantasy setting that was actually inspired by you or rather your avatar.But it wasn’t very good and then it just hit me out of the blue but now I am stuck on it.I thought of how to get these characters together and now I don’t know what to do with them or what their motive is.And the real kicker is that this story would probably work better as a manga becuase thats how I see it in my head.
      For now I can’t seem to even work on anything else in my head until I can get this Rōnin moving,I think I might need to feed my subconscious some samurai stories.

      And if your interested in drawing you might want to check out Francis D. K. Chings books.They are mostly about architectural drawing but Drawing: A Creative Process and Design Drawing are a bit more general.I haven’t actually bought them myself yet but I have leafed through the free pages on Amazon and like how they focus on technique and perception.It was these books that made me realize what was wrong with Davids eyes when Armando first started drawing them.

      • I’ve inspired a story? That’s pretty cool lol. I was actually going to suggest something like that though… You seem to have a lot of pent up creativity, so you should definitely try to create something completely original, and not just fanfics. Who knows? You might even be able to make a living off of this, if you’re good enough.

        If it works better as a manga though, that could be a problem… And I’m still nowhere near good enough to help you out there. I’m still working on drawing people. Thanks for the info on Frank Ching, I’ll keep that in mind. Lord knows I could use some help drawing architecture lol. As soon as I’m satisfied with my progress with Crilley’s tutorials and the art book I already have, (drawing fantasy characters and creatures) I’ll look into it.

        Yes, I didn’t buy the manga book. Thing is, I’m pretty picky about this sort of thing… My local art supply store has a decent selection, but most of the manga related ones suck lol. The characters it purports to show you how to draw look all corroded, like poor imitations of the real thing. Crilley’s got it down pat though.

        Honestly, my knowledge of samurai stories is pretty limited, but I will say that Rurouni Kenshin was pretty good, and I also enjoyed Samurai Jack tremendously. (Not technically Japanese in origin, I know, but still very good, in my opinion.) Also, a friend of mine says Samurai Champloo is the greatest thing since sliced bread. (Haven’t seen it myself yet, but I trust his judgment.) And although it’s not technically samurai related, you might also want to check out Wolf’s Rain. That’s one of my favorites. (It shouldn’t be hard to figure out what my favorite animal is by this point… O_o)

  2. Wow where to begin… This was a long one! When you first said you wanted to write a fanfic, I was expecting something short. Looks like you’ve put some serious thought into this, however… I actually enjoyed reading it, though. It certainly wasn’t an abomination of the written word or anything of the sort, so don’t even worry about that.
    Well, overall, I’d say the story has potential, though there are a few holes here and there. You’ve already declared your intention to start over from scratch though, so those aren’t really a major concern. Really I’m only going into detail with this because I feel that many elements of this story are worth carrying over into your new one. Well then, the best place to start is the beginning right? So let’s get cracking!
    So the story begins with a description of his homeworld Aeropa. Honestly, I’m not too crazy about the way it’s described. I just find it hard to believe that life on a planet covered with a global ocean of liquid metal would be anything even remotely like us. Perhaps some exotic form of life like silicon based, or maybe even machine life… But green skinned humanoids? Granted, there are probably many parallels in the world of fiction already. Also, is the name inspired by Jak and Daxter’s Aeropa, or the Jovian moon Europa? Pretty cool either way. Oh, and his real name is Steven? Lol. Armando really is quirky enough to do something like that…
    In the next part of the story you go on to give us some of Steven’s background. I really like how you suggest that he was born with a predisposition to avoid speech. That really sounds about right. The only thing that kind of strikes me as odd is that he should grow up with so much hatred and vengeance plaguing his heart, when he’s growing up in a loving family, and the worst he’s ever really dealt with is some bullies at school. He’d have to be mentally disabled, or just plain crazy for that to work, and it’s unlikely for someone who’s really that insane to be able to organize and command an army, as he does later on.
    The next part of the story is honestly what I enjoyed the most. I like what you did with him and his sister, and their dramatic reunion. It’s also pretty cool how you have her powers center around emotions and empathy, while his center around conscious thought and force of will. It seems to me like they complement each other perfectly. He has mastered control of the mind, while she has mastered control of the spirit. (To me though, this seems to imply that there should be a third sibling with mastery over his own physical body. That’s another matter, however.) I also really liked how you had him speak her name, as the only instance of him speaking in his whole life. That, and him sacrificing himself at the end, it really sold it for me. Nice work. That being said however, can E.C. really have anything that powerful driving him? This just doesn’t sound like the E.C. we all know. Granted, it’s true that he’s not currently a very developed character, so maybe it’s not really fair to criticize that. He strikes me as a very inscrutable character, so it seems like giving him a personality is almost something of a Rorschach test. Whoever reads A.L. will inevitably end up interpreting him differently.
    That’s pretty much the bulk of your story right there. The conclusion was something of a non sequitur, and I almost fell out of my chair laughing when I read it lol. That can’t be right, though… After all, if his life really did change for the better, why would he call himself EVIL Chef? In any case, I’d like to add something. The way you described the extent of his powers and abilities… (Telepathy, psychokinesis, pyrokinesis, a tendency to “speak” by pushing his thoughts into other people’s minds.) The way his heart was empty and plagued with pain and hatred which is what turned him into a monster… It really reminds me of Mewtwo in the first Pokémon movie. Was that the source of your inspiration?
    Well, that’s pretty much all I’ve got to say for now. I’ll be looking forward to your next story!

    • Much thanks to you for your feedback,it is very valuable to me.

      I am glad you didn’t think that reading it was a waste of your time.I have a hard time judging how good things I make are because I have very high standards.

      On the length,I have said before I try to be thorough and that includes my writing.But if you think this is long just wait till you see the next one 😀 .

      About the planet,it’s not in the new one.The name is inspired by the moon Europa but I have played the Jak and Daxter games so maybe it was floating around in some forgotten part of my mind.

      The names are kind of temporary,to keep myself from getting too bogged down in trying to pick the perfect name I just pick one so I can keep writing and expect to change it later unless I end up liking it and it sticks.Steven was just because I was joking about it on A.L.

      I don’t really like his childhood part either.I didn’t torment enough him for sure.But it was really hard to decide how bad to make his life because on A.L he’s not all that Evil, he’s more like the Unscrupulous Chef.And as I wrote he started to draw into himself so that most of the badness in his life was only in his own mind but since I didn’t like where that was going I didn’t expand on it.

      It being in his head also made the ending fit better.
      And in all honesty I thought of the ending first and all the rest of the story was reversed engineered to fit it becuase the end seemed a bit meaningless without some context.Thats why it’s so much better then the rest of it.

      The sister wasn’t even part of it at first,I don’t remember how I thought of her and her contrasting powers but that ended up being my favorite thing in the story and I didn’t know if that was going to make it into the next one because it is such a different storyline but reading though your post I just got in idea that slides it right in place.

      I think the next one does a much better job of crafting someone that can become the E.C we all know and love.I just hope my novice writing skills can do it justice.

      I almost put in a part at the end about his clothes being burned up from falling to earth so he uses his powers to steal Steve Jobs sweater but I figured it was ridiculous enough already.

      My inspiration was pretty simple. I didn’t really consciously base him on anything, I just asked myself “What might motivate someone to become an evil overlord?” and this was one of the things I came up with.His speaking inside other peoples minds came out of necessity. It turns out that IT IS REALLY FREAKING HARD to write for a silent character. And since he CAN speak but CHOOSES not to I felt that just saying he was speaking in sign-language would be a cop-out.For the new one his not speaking and how he communicates developed out of the story itself.

      And if you like my writing you might want to subscribe to this blog in case I ever get around to writing and posting one of my Non-Laundromat related story ideas that I wouldn’t post about on A.L.

      P.S Did you notice the Jurassic Park reference in the story?

      • Clever girl? Of course I noticed it lol. Though I figured it was just a coincidence and not a deliberate reference, since he didn’t get torn to shreds a second later.

        Anyway, glad to hear you plan to use his sister in the new version. Definitely looking forward to that. BTW, can you draw? I’m curious to see how you have her visualized.

        FYI this site is the first result if you do a Yahoo search for MindLord. Oh, and you may have already noticed that you now have my subscription. Huzzah!

      • Yeah!My first subscription!I think that means I’m famous now. ^_^

        No I can’t draw very good (yet..) My drawing makes XKCD look like an Andy Worhol soup can.
        I can draw decent eyes though.

        Not that it would make any difference because I don’t have a solid image of her in my head yet.Any suggestions?

      • Well… If she’s the spiritual sort, how about something like a priestess or a mage, or a shrine maiden if you’re a fan of all things Japan? I don’t have a clear mental image either, but I’m imagining someone with a pure hearted, innocent sort of air about them. So whatever she’s wearing, I’m seeing lots of white. Also, maybe a sad sort of expression is called for. Her powers center around empathy right? So I would imagine that someone like that would constantly be burdened by the pain and suffering she feels all around her. Also, I’d prefer it if she didn’t have an enormous cranium since her powers involve her spirit, not her mind, so there’s no reason for her brain to be extraordinarily large. And…. I’ll admit I want her to be cute lol.

        You’ve certainly given me something to think about. I should give drawing her a shot. Maybe it’s about time I stopped procrastinating and picked up that “How to Draw Mange” book….

      • **Mange not mange. That… wouldn’t be right lol.

      • MANGA!!! IDK what’s wrong with me today…
        -_-“

      • “If you’ve ever wondered how to draw diseased,balding animals this is the book for you!”

        But there are some good how to draw videos on YouTube;I like Mark Crilleys videos (http://www.youtube.com/user/markcrilley ) ,he has a lot of videos so you can probably find something useful in them.


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