MindLord-Rough sketch

This a rejected,Unfinished, “Rough Sketch” overview of a story I’m writing Inspired by the Evil Chef character from Armando Valenzuelas http://www.atomiclaundromat.com/.

It was rejected early on because I deemed that it was “Too emo and  reads like it was written by a 13 year old girl”.

I am working on a different storyline now that I think is going better but I thought someone might find this interesting.Or at least get a laugh out of how bad it is.




On the planet of Aeropa there is a society much like that on earth except everyone wears a hat to show what job they perform.The planet itself and the people who live on it are not so much like earth.

The entire surface of the planet is covered in molten metal,the only inhabitable land is on islands kept afloat by the heat rising from the planet.The metal is one of the most durable known to the universe.And because of this durability they are unable to harvest the wonderful natural resource, for the metal can withstand such high temperature that the heat required to keep it liquid will destroy anything that tries to capture or manipulate it.

The people on this planet have pale green skin and ears that are pointed at the top.They have round,bald heads and long thin necks.Of course each one is different,each one unique and indivdual.Some are fat,some are thin.Some are tall and some short.But this is a story about one Aeropian named Steven that was different in his own unique way.


When Steven was born his parents found out that he had a genetic defect.The doctors told them that their son had Cranial Gigantism,his head would grow to be at least three times larger than normal.They said other than appearance he would likely be perfectly normal.

When Steven was two years old and hadn’t started talking yet,His parents thought something might be wrong.Their older daughter Lucy had started talking when she was about one.The doctors told them that despite his malformation there was no physical reason he could not talk.The truth was that he never felt the need to talk.


Even at his young age he could see how people looked at him.How they pointed,stared and whispered.He could see for himself how different he was from the other children.They were still trying to stack blocks while he was solving his sisters math homework in his head.He knew then that they would never accept him,Never understand him,so he never bothered to talk to them.

He kept his intelligence a secret,he thought that he stood out enough already and that it was best not to add to it.

One day he came home from school with a blue eye.His mother asked him “Steven!What happened to you?” He stood in silence “Oh honey…if you would just speak and tell us who is doing this we could stop them from hurting you.”

He didn’t believe her,he thought “If you stop them there will just be someone else to torment me.The only way to make them stop is to stop them All.And someday I will stop them all,I will make them suffer for the things they have done to me.I will stop them all and I Will BURN This World If I Have To.”

He lived his life in silence taking the abuse of his peers,all the names they called him,all the times they shoved and hit him,being mocked because his Student hats never fit and could only sit on top his giant head.He filed each one away,saving his anger for the day when he knew he could extract his full revenge.

He became more jaded with his world as the years went on,he came to see his families affection for him as nothing but pity,to see that all the Peoples animosity toward him was brought on by fear.He thought they acted like animals towards him, frightened at anything different or new.So he saw them as nothing more than animals.


One day something strange happend.He felt someone talking about him,but it was different this time.He didn’t just know they were talking about him,he didn’t just hear them.He felt them inside his head.It was then that he knew for certain he was special,that he would someday have his revenge.

As he practiced his powers it got easier to read Peoples minds,once while he was practicing by listing to a particularly inane conversation he tought “Just shut up” and the woman whose mind he was reading stop talking.It opened his mind to other abilities he might develop,he started pushing his powers more to find out what else he could do.

He learned that not only could he read minds but he could also “push” thoughts into other Peoples head,he could make them do,say and even think whatever he wanted.He found that if he concentrated he could manipulate gravity itself,he could levitate objects or even himself..If he focused hard enough he could heat things up and a make them catch fire.

He discovered that by accident,he was at home when he started the fire but his mother saw the fire before he could put it out.He made her forget what she had seen but he had sensed her fear when she saw it,he knew that his parents were afraid of him just like every one else.That was when their fate was sealed along with the rest of the people.


It was difficult to use his powers at first but got easier as time went on and as his power grew so did his ambition.He know that stopping this world wouldn’t be enough to stop his pain.There were more people on other worlds just waiting to hurt him.

The solar system,the galaxy,the very universe itself would all need to be conquered.


Tipping point, Steven rises to power,sister dies.

Steaven uses powers to make robot army from planets rare metal and turn planet into warship,conquers other worlds.


Kelen ran into the room,he slid to a stop on the slick polished floor. “My Lord” he said,forgoing his normal submissive kneeling position “The citizens have rebelled!Explosions are going off all over the ship.They have already destroyed the engines and blown a hole in robot bay three ,And earth intruders are entering though the breach!I believe they are headed towards the amplifier Sir.”

“Impossible!” The MindLord pushed his words into Kelens head “I would have sensed any…Unless!” He focused his powers on the robot storage bay.Someone had entered the ship but he could barely sense them even when he focused on them,all he could sense was a vague feeling of a woman.

“Its true what they said about earth.It really must be a magnet for super powered people after all they had not even gotten into orbit around the planet and they had already been attacked,This will be just the challenge I’ve been searching for.” He thought.

“Kelen,take the robots and go stop the rebels from destroying the amplifier,If you see the intruders do not engage them.They are the super-heros from earth we heard of,and they are coming for me.”

“Yes my lord,I will go at once”He bowed his head and run out the door.”

The MindLord could barely sense the super-heros but he could tell where they were,they were headed for him.He locked and opened door after door to lead them right to himself.

As they approached his chambers he began to close the doors to make them work a bit but they destroyed the doors as fast as he could close them.

When the last door closed he stood and waited for it to be broken open.The seconds that it took the door was open seemed to stretch into hours.

There was a loud BANG as the door flew into the room as if in slow motion.In the empty hole was a man standing with his fist out where the door used to be.Time seemed to speed up in instant,The MindLord stretched out his hand. Grabbing the man telekinetically he picked him up and slammed him into the wall.He was close enough now that he could start to push though the mental block.

“Where is the girl?” He forced the question into the mans mind. “You can not fight it!”he pushed the question harder,The man screamed in pain, Then the MindLord got a sense of the someone coming behind him. “Clever girl”  He thought as he turned and grabbed her, pinning her to the wall like the man.

“Well well well..Invisible are you?You earth people are more sneaky then I thought.” The MindLord thought at her.But as the invisible person faded back to visibility he saw”Your not a women!WHERE IS SHE!!!”The men screamed as he tried to rip the answer from their minds.

Then he heard foot steps coming down the hallway.

“STOP.”she told him”I’m right here.”

What stepped through the door sent a chill went down The MindLords spine and into his very core.

The shock of what he saw was so great that he was forced to utter the first word he ever had spoken.

“Lucy” The MindLord whispered under his breath.His hands were shaking.

“Let them go Steven.” Lucy said

Steven,The MindLord stood in shock for a moment ,then he felt a strange sensation as Lucys words appeared inside his mind. “Let them go Steven.”

He lifted her up with his mind and held her in the air in front of him, “And why would I do that?Sister…” he said conversing with her telepathically “Because…” she sent back “Once your amplifier is broken you won’t be able to hold all three of us.”

“You really think that rabble can get through Kelen and my robots?”

“I don’t think Kelen is putting up much of a fight against his own rebellion.”

“No that’s impossible I would have known the minute he had one bad thought against me.”

“You didn’t know the same way you never knew I was still alive.I have been hiding it from you for years.”

The MindLord felt some of his power leave him,the amplifier had been damaged.His captives dropped to the floor.The men tried to stand but he was still able to hold them down.

Lucy stood up “You never even noticed did you?” she thought at him “You were always such a selfish self-centered child,you were so full of hate and self-pity that you never noticed anyone else but your self.You prejudged everyone and treated us all the same.You never noticed that I was different, that you could never read my mind.But I could always sense you.All your anger,your hate, it dripped from you every moment of your life.I pained for you bother..”

“That’s A Lie!You all hated me!I Could read their minds I know what they all thought of me.”

“You may have read their minds but you could never see into their hearts like I could,We wanted help you,to love and care for you but you never let us.”

“No it’s not true..it can’t be.”

“If you won’t believe me Steven, I’ll just have to show you” And she pushed the emotions,all the love and compassion of their parents into his heart.He looked like he had been hit by a brick wall.

“and this is how you repaid us!” with anger welling up inside her and tears dripping down her face she unleashed into his heart all the pain of the people he had hurt,all the torment of a thousand worlds,all the suffering that he had caused.

It crushed him.He dropped to his knees and wept.It was all true,he had caused so much pain,hurt so many people,all because of his own arrognce.He could not escape the truth,his whole life was spent causing pain.

But then he felt something else something was wrong,he could feel power surging into him.The amplifier was malfunctioning it was feeding back all the extra power into him.

He could feel the energy building up inside him,he knew he could not contain it,that it would be released violently.He knew his end was near and this was his last chance to atone for all the evil he had done. “I..Can’t..Ung” He waved his hand and pushed them back into the hallway and sealed the door back over.He riped open a whole in the wall and jumped out into space..

“Knock the door down!” Lucy screamed at the strong man.

He looked at her with glazed eyes “I am sorry..sister.”

She saw a flash of light outside the ship as it shook.She wept as she realized what happened.

something about EC landing on earth and eating a hamburger and it change his life for goodness.


Well?How was it?

Published in: on November 12, 2010 at 4:28 PM  Comments (11)  
Tags: , , ,